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Good morning class. My name is Doug Holt, and this is my report on what I thought of 2001. It's entitled, "What I Thought Of 2001." There: having satisfied the primal third grader in me, we can get on with the retrospective.

Two Thousand and One had the usual number of interesting happenings, as have other years; but it was dominated by a single overarching event more so than any other year most of us might remember. In deference to the solemnity attending that event, I'll not comment on it directly, except to agree with the contention that it clearly defined the boundary between the 20th and 21st centuries. My noodlings, half baked and otherwise, I'll direct at the year's other focal points.

First, some awards. The Palestinian Authority's Yasser Arafat has cut a fine figure of indecision this year, being torn between his current political standing and his place (if any) in history. He wins the "Yes, Doing Nothing Can Hurt You (And Make You Irrelevant)" award.

Another figure who is internationally (in)famous, former Yugoslavian dictator Slobodan Milosevic, captures the "Propaganda Only Works If You Control The Media" award. Since being turned over to the international tribunal in The Hague, he's issued statements protesting his circumstances, all of which have been bald faced lies or attempts to obscure the facts. Come on, Slobo, you can't ignore the requirements established by that great hit writing team, Hitler/Goebbels - your's has to be the only voice if you want to pass off such bull!

We also can't forget the Democrats in our own state legislature. They showed some serious nerve in pursuing their rabidly partisan redistricting plan, while at the same time the nation recoiled and united in the face of September 11th. This earns them the "Power Is More Precious Than Patriotism" award.

Finally, an honest admiration award. All of our splendid fire, police and other public service personnel deserve the "Sorry We Didn't Appreciate Your Dedication Before" award. If it isn't so everywhere already, I think all these folks deserve hazard pay whenever they step into the breach, just like soldiers get combat pay.

Now it's time to punish the naughty. Bum number one is Gary Condit. His just desserts: let's ignore him, but enter his surname into the vernacular. You can say someone "is a condit," or that they "conditted their way around tough questions" - meaning that they were pathetically, revoltingly evasive for fear of damaging their image; even at the expense of another's dire need.

Human cloning threatened to make its advent this year. Those pressing the questionably moral limits seemed to be either wackos or terminally avaricious. For either type, I have this prescription: change their status as citizens, for they no longer need police, fire, or any legal protections; nor any other services provided by various levels of government. Then issue them an "I Am God" license plate, since they've decided to play at being a deity. They will be on their own, as they can obviously take care of themselves.

Lately we've heard the issue of how to try terror suspects, whether by civil or special tribunal. Rather than sweat the decision ourselves, why not give the non-citizen suspects a means of obtaining the more desirable venue. All they'll have to do is dash from one side to the other of the World Wrestling Federation arena - audience included. Those who make it to the far side under their own power can have a civil trial.

Well, so much for my pontificating. Maybe I'm being a little rough, but it's been a rough year. Still, we can look on the bright side. At least we didn't encounter a schizophrenic supercomputer like HAL, as predicted in the movie 2001. So maybe we should be counting our blessings...

Copyright ã, Douglas Holt, 2001